This morning as I was reading my Bible study for community group, I found myself laughing at some of the stories from the author. She was giving details about horrible family vacations and they were the same things I loved about Haiti. Things like outdoor bathrooms, machetes and watching mice/rats run across the yard as entertainment. Reading those details in my daily Bible study made me smile and also brought tears to my eyes.
Cassandra, the in-country missionary I stayed with, shared that she knew she was called to Haiti when she couldn't talk about Haiti or look at pictures without crying. If I didn't know beforehand that I was called to Haiti, these last three weeks would prove it. There have been plenty of tears while sharing stories or reminiscing on my memories this summer. When someone asks me how I'm adjusting to American life, it takes all I have to keep my eyes from welling up with tears. Adjust? Ha! My stomach has finally adjusted to America again after a parasite scare, but my heart hasn't. I hope it never does. How can I readjust to having clean water to flush in the toilet when the children I taught this summer don't have clean water to drink? Or readjust to having a choice of what to eat rather than eating rice and beans every day?
My parents were somewhat hoping this summer would get the missions bug out of my system, but instead that "bug" just got stronger. I thought Haiti already had my heart after last year's trip, but after living there for six weeks, I came back to America with a hole where my heart used to be. There's a quote that says, "If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders." My mind goes to children with dark skin tugging on my arms, laughter and big smiles, a rocky hillside and warm breeze, creole sauce and learning a new language. Clearly my mind wanders to Haiti and my heart is there....
The hardest part about being back in America is that I don't know when I will return to Haiti. The goal is for me to live there long-term in the future, but there's an issue...I'm a single woman. I have yet to find an organization that will send me to Haiti alone. "You need to be married and go with your husband." "You need to find a group to go with you." Well, are there any men out there who will marry me and then move to Haiti? *crickets* that's what I thought... It's a struggle I deal with daily with the Lord. Why would He put such a strong desire in my heart to be in Haiti, but not provide a way for me to be there now? How long will I have to wait for this husband, or will an organization finally come around and send me? Since when do you have to be married to serve God in another country?!?
This summer I found that I had a natural talent for teaching and really enjoyed it. The best day of teaching was when I taught music and then led 10 of my students to Christ. I'll never forget that day! Since I enjoyed it so much, I'm finishing my TESOL certificate in-between applying for jobs. Applying for jobs is another struggle. I need a full-time job in order to pay my bills, but I'm having a hard time finding anything. It's hard to find a job when my heart wants to work for a Christian company and those options are few, even in the Bible belt.
All of this rambling is just to say...please pray for my heart; a broken one, at the moment. Pray that I would find contentment in America. Pray that I will find a full-time job in order to pay the bills. Pray that the Lord will either provide me a husband who loves Haiti as much as I do or an organization that will send a single woman. Pray for my heart and that it will find rest and assurance in Christ during this uncertain time. Thanks and God Bless!
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