August was CRAZY!

Warning: This post is about to get REALLY REAL!

On August 2nd I went to a Chinese food restaurant and got a fortune that read, "New and rewarding opportunities will soon develop for you." Little did I know that the month of August would change my life and be a roller coaster ride, full of lots of peaks and valleys.

August 1: Chris and I are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. This man is a wonderful blessing in my life. I couldn't ask for a more Godly man to take on life with. He treats me like a queen, makes me laugh and he LOVES Jesus! What more could I ask for? He was also there for me when I fell into my first valley.

August 8: I suddenly lost my job at Bosworth Steel. Although I had been praying for a new job for months, I wanted to have another job before leaving this one, but I guess God had other plans. I was too comfortable there and He slammed that door in my face. My family and Chris were calm and actually laughed when I shared the news that I lost my job. Chris came over to my house that night armed with his Bible. He came in, didn't say a word or touch me, walked over to my bed and read Scripture to me. The Lord has such bigger plans for my life and I was letting too many things get in the way of pursuing what He wanted. Now I had the opportunity to focus on what He wanted, not my comfortable "American dream." For the first few days, I was actually pretty calm as I leaned on my family, friends and dug into the Word. Then I got scared, angry and started to question. What was I supposed to do about my bills? Why would God leave me with no income? What was I supposed to do now? After college, it took me over a year to find a job and during that time I fell into depression. It didn't take long for me to start slipping back into that. There were days where I was happy and could easily hide my inner emotions, and other days where I wanted to stay in my room, be in my pj's, cried and didn't want to do anything. Thankfully two of my best friends, Kate and Cynthia, knew about this and checked on me frequently. Thank you ladies! I love you both SO much!! Your encouragement during this month has helped keep me sane. :)

During the days when everyone else was working or in class, I'll be honest, I struggled with my emotions. Not only was I upset about not having a job, but I was also questioning my future. Then I got this in the mail:

My heart absolutely longs to be in Haiti. I miss my friends there. I miss the hot Haitian sun, the pesky red dirt, and the refreshing afternoon showers. I miss Jeniflo. And sweet Bidjins. And there are so many questions I want to ask Seth, but can't. What better reminder could I ask for than for God to send me this charm on the day when I was questioning the most? I had recently started online classes for my teaching certificate and was also teaching myself Creole. Was this why I lost my job? Was it because I was losing focus on my calling?

August 10-11: One of the things that makes me happiest is serving Waco and I had the chance to provide food to over 300 people with Feed America and the Austin Food Bank. Afterward, I went to the Baylor campus, laid on my favorite swing and meditated in Hebrews. It was so nice just to listen to the stillness of an empty campus and hear only the bells from Pat Neff and squirrels running through the grass. I also had the chance to relax at Chris's farm, shoot guns and watch movies in the country. I hardly had any phone reception there and it was great!

August 16-18: Chris had minor surgery on the 16th. It was minor, but that still doesn't keep me from worrying. Over the weekend I was his nurse and couldn't leave him alone, per doctors order.  To keep me from getting upset or nervous, he cracked jokes and made faces. Everything was fine and I had nothing to worry about. After coming off from the drugs, this sweet man surprised me. My former apartment said I still owed the final utility bill and I did not have the money to pay for it. Chris lied to me and paid the bill while I stepped outside to supposedly get his phone out of the car. Sneaky, but such a blessing! This weekend was a blessing and also sometimes hard. We went through something in the first weeks of our relationship that many couples don't go through until much later. Over 48 straight hours together, you get to know A LOT about someone haha

August 19: My best friend, Kate, moved to New Jersey. We have been friends since rooming together my sophomore year at Baylor. I love this girl so much and her friendship has been such a blessing. We have so many memories together at Baylor, Wendy's, dancing, Trojan's, girl's nights, Chuy's and the list goes on. I'm going to miss hanging out with her in Dallas, but am so happy for the new chapter she's beginning in New Jersey.

August 28: A day after my interview, I was offered a job at First Baptist Dallas. Over the past few months, I felt the desire to get into the ministry and feel this is the perfect way to get my foot in the door. I'm so excited to see how God uses me in this new role! I prayed that I would have a job by September 1 and can't think of a better place to work and start this new phase in my professional life.

August 29: I received an email in the early morning asking me to meet at Watermark Church at 1 for a meeting. A few weeks earlier, I had signed up to write for The Porch, but never heard back from anyone. At this meeting I learned that someone had read my blog/writing and said I was gifted. Instead of writing for The Porch, I will be on a team of other people using their gifts and writing for Watermark!! Their ideas of how to reach people using a blog is brilliant and I can't wait to be a part of it.

Needless to say, the month of August has been rough on my emotions, heart and relationship with God. There were days where I seriously questioned Him and got angry. If you know me, you know I'm fiercely independent and it's hard to ask for help, even from the one person I need most. In the three weeks where I was unemployed, I had to learn to trust Him and know that He knows what's best for me and has a bigger and better plan than I could ever imagine on my own. It was also nice to see His handiwork when I went to California for a long weekend. Marveling at the beautiful waves as they crashed on the sand made me realize that if He crafted the oceans and every grain of sand, then He can easily mold and use me.

I'm so ready for August to be over and to start my new job and new life September 3. I'm continuing to seek God's plan for my life and anxiously wait to see what's in store for the rest of the year and 2014. As I said in a previous post, the plan is still for me to live in Haiti for a few weeks next year. I will also continue my teaching certification and pray for more opportunities for me to serve in Dallas and the U.S.

"Why do you do it?"

If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that question, I'd be a millionaire. "Why do you do it?" 'It' is referring to service, specifically at Dallas LIFE homeless shelter. The most recent time I was asked this question was Wednesday night.

As I sat on the couch with my head held low and cupped in my hands in frustration, the guy I've been dating asked the million-dollar question. "If you feel like this, then why do you do it?" I pushed my hair back, leaned up, looked into his eyes and gave him a small smile. "Because I love them and we need each other!"

'Them' is referring to the precious kids I've gotten to know during the month of July in the reading program. As much as I love them, they also drive me crazy at times! Haha One of these times was Wednesday night. For the first time since beginning to volunteer there in October 2012, I lost my cool. After being bitten, slapped on the arm and not listened to, I lined up every child and marched them down to the security office. Despite my frustration, my heart broke as they looked up at me with sad and confused eyes. All but three got in trouble and as I turned my back and left the office, I knew they'd see me differently.

But I love them! Jesus loves them! And we all need reprimanding and grace.

Walking out of Dallas LIFE that night was one of the hardest and most upsetting things I've had to do. I was mad, frustrated, hurt and sad, all at the same time. Is this how God feels when he reprimands us? We're His children and don't always listen to Him. We fight Him on a daily basis and ignore His words and advice, which leads us to trouble and consequences. When we are caught up in the trouble we brought on ourselves, we often question God and it has to break His heart. But he shows grace. Abounding, wonderful grace. He picks us up and comes back for us. No matter what we do, how much we fight or push back, He will never leave us.

I am in NO WAY comparing myself to God, but I am going to show just a sliver of the grace that He gives. The head of security was concerned I may not come back, but nothing these kids do will keep me from coming back to Dallas LIFE. Sure, I was frustrated and wanted to pull my hair out, but those kids have my heart. What I have with them far outweighs one bad night and I'm pretty sure I need them more than they need me.

So why do I do it? Making bean bag forts is fun. You're never too old to color, watch Disney movies or build with Lego's. Singing Beyonce songs at the top of your lungs in the library is more fun than reading (shhh!). Being in a room full of giggles and squeals makes my heart smile. Helping a child learn to read is a great reward. Hugs from little people are the best!

Because the same Jesus who died for my sins is the same Jesus who died for their sins and they need to know that. If I don't tell them, then who will? I can't imagine growing up in a homeless shelter and feeling sad and hopeless at times. My desire is to provide them an escape and to teach them about the love, grace and hope they have in Christ. THAT is why I do it!!