Because I'm a control freak. I like to have control of my life, my finances and my future. God completely pushed me out of the way in March and took over everything, and honestly, I'm scared. "Why me, Lord?! I'm a terrible, awful wretch! I have zero Bible training outside of VBS and two required religion courses at Baylor." This is my brain talking and the enemy whispering in my ear. But then I remember my favorite Bible character, Paul. He was a hated man and persecuted and killed Christians daily. Then he met Christ one day on the street, immediately turned his life around and became the greatest missionary to ever walk the planet and wrote the majority of the New Testament. If God can use Paul, then surely He can use me!! Right?....
I'm a big talker and say I'm unafraid of what will happen in Haiti. Honestly, I'm not afraid of anything physically that can happen to me while there, whether that's sickness, safety, etc. I'm more concerned with what my mind and the enemy can do. Three weeks in when I start to miss my family and friends, what will happen? What will the enemy try to tell me after a long, hard day? These are the moments when I have to remember why I'm in Haiti and that God has planned this all along. Haiti is where I was born to be, no matter how many mosquito bites I have, how hot it may get or how badly I smell. The country is beautiful and there is so much joy and love in the faces of poverty. The presence of God is there, you just have to peel away the sadness and poverty the American media only wants you to see. You have to GO to know what I mean.
Speaking of going, there was an announcement I had to make last week. I gave my resignation at First Baptist Dallas last Friday, hoping they would let me come back in July. Unfortunately, they will not. And that's where my fear crept back in. "Lord, what will happen to me when I come back in July? Where will I work?" Then I was reminded that Watermark called me a treasure and wants to talk with me about missions when I return, and possibly a job. That same day, I found out I had to move out instead of coming back to the apartment in July. Again, "Lord, where will I live? What about all of my possessions?" Thankfully, my parents have been so kind to let me temporarily live with them before I leave and when I return. They have also been a huge source of encouragement, as well as my friends. In my moments of anxiety and fear, the people I love most feed me Scripture.
As I prepare for this journey, I am pointed to Luke 12, one of my favorite chapters in the New Testament. In this one chapter I find all the peace I need as it seems like Jesus is speaking directly to me.
"Indeed, the very hairs on your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:7
"When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say." Luke 12:11-12
"Consider the ravens: they do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!" Luke 12:24
"Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Luke 12:33-34
"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." Luke 12:48
As I cry tears into the boxes in my room, I remember these verses. How can I cry over material things? Me, the least materialistic person you'll ever meet!! But, have you ever faced the reality of selling or giving away most of your belongings and packing the rest in boxes that must fit in a 10x12 room? It's exhilarating and somewhat frightening.
But then again, how could I be afraid or sad about this when it's what Jesus commands? Jesus sacrificed so much for me and I am more than willing to give up my possessions, apartment and job to serve Him in Haiti. He is worth it all!! I need to let controlling Sarah be pushed to the side, let God take over every detail and flee from fear and anxiety. My heart is overflowing with excitement about serving in the country God has placed on my heart! My worries, fears and anxiety are all calmed by the arms of God, as he guides me to where I'm supposed to be.
